Our personal boundaries aren’t as obvious as a fence or a giant no trespassing sign, unfortunately. They are more like invisible bubbles or forcefields. Nonetheless there are things that we most certainly need to be intentional and mindful about taking care of. This article will discuss more about why and how.

The word “boundary” can be misleading. It conveys the idea of keeping yourself separate. But boundaries are actually connecting points since they provide healthy rules of navigating relationships, intimate or professional.

Even though personal boundaries can be challenging to navigate, setting and communicating them is essential to our health, well-being, and even our safety. Setting boundaries for yourself and honoring the boundaries of others isn’t a textbook science, but you can learn ways to take charge of your life. Whether you want to set clear rules with your family, or assert your space when it comes to coworkers, or even strangers, here’s how to get started.

Boundaries are a deeply personal choice and vary from one person to the next. They are everchanging and we form, and reform them throughout our lives.[1] One standard can’t hold for everybody. Rather, each person needs to find a level of comfort within themselves. We can each investigate and define your own boundaries with self-reflection.

Identifying and being clear about your basic human rights is an important part of setting personal boundaries. Here are some examples of basic human rights to begin with:

• I have a right to say no without feeling guilty

• I have a right to be treated with respect

• I have a right to make my needs as important as others

• I have a right to be accepting of my mistakes and failures

• I ever write not to meet others unreasonable expectations of me

When you identify the rights that you believe in you’ll find honoring them much easier to do. When you honor them, you’ll stop spending energy pacifying or pleasing others who dishonor them.

Your instincts can help you determine when someone is violating your boundaries or when you need to set one up. Check in with your body, is your heart rate elevated are you sweating tightness in chest stomach throat? For example, maybe you tighten your jaw when a particular client calls multiple times; you find yourself tensing-up when family members pry into details about your love life, or you clench your fists when a roommate borrows your new coat. Physical reactions are cleat indicators that setting a boundary may be necessary.

Set boundaries with confidence:

1. Be assertive

Get comfortable with using “I” statements. Not only do they support you being honest about your true feelings, but they also allow you to focus on what you have control over, yourself. I statements show confidence and good boundary setting by expressing thoughts, feelings, and opinions without worrying what others are thinking.

If someone sets boundaries with assertiveness, it feels firm but kind to others. Assertive language is clear and nonnegotiable, without blaming or threatening the recipient.

• Learn to say no

Even though it can be daunting to say, “No” is a complete sentence.

We might be hesitant to say no without offering more info, but it’s not necessary. Sometimes assertiveness isn’t needed for boundary setting as much as personal tolerance for being uncomfortable.

You can say no without an explanation and without providing any emotional labor to the person you’re saying it to. If someone asks for your number or to dance, you can absolutely just say no. If a co-worker asks you to cover their shift, you can also say no, without offering any excuse.

• Safeguard your spaces

You can also set boundaries for your stuff, physical and emotional spaces, and your time and energy without necessarily announcing it, too. The features on your tech devices offer some ways of doing this. Savvy boundary safeguards:

• Put private items in a locked drawer or box.
• Use a password-protected digital journal instead of a paper one.
• Schedule nonnegotiable alone time or time when you’re just doing your own thing.
• Use passwords, codes, or other security features on devices and tech accounts.
• Set a cut-off time for answering emails or texts.
• Use the “out of office” responder on email accounts when on vacation.
• Send verification of your time off days in advance.
• Temporarily delete email and messaging apps when you don’t want to be contacted.
• Use the Do Not Disturb feature on your phone and other devices.
• Make a promise to yourself not to respond to work messages or calls sent to personal accounts.
• Get assistance or support

Defining and asserting your boundaries can get even trickier if you or a loved one lives with mental illness, depression, anxiety, or a history of trauma.

If you’re experiencing challenges with setting or asserting boundaries, or if someone is causing you difficulty by crossing them, never hesitate to reach out to a mental health professional.

We can really think of setting boundaries as fortifying our relationships with others rather than building walls to keep people out.

How to recognize and honor other people’s boundaries:

1. Watch for verbal and non-verbal cues
2. Be mindful of the diversity of cues – for example someone with autism, on the spectrum or having other developmental difficulties may respond  to, or communicate discomfort differently
3. Understand the difference between vulnerability and oversharing
4. Ask

Setting healthy boundaries is not:

1. Putting others down or using harsh language
2. Talking in a raised voice for the purpose of getting your point across
3. Going back on your word or not holding a firm line
4. Being unclear our of fear of being assertive

Setting healthy boundaries improves relationships, self-esteem, allows for conservation of mental and emotional energies and gives us space to expand. Wherever you are in your boundary setting journey, keep going! Keep growing!

By, Sahmra A. Stevenson, Esq. (“Your Family’s Personal Lawyer”)

S.A. Stevenson Law Offices, LLC

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[1] Our boundaries are shaped by things like our heritage and our culture; the region we live in or come from; whether we are introverted or extroverted or somewhere in between; our life experiences; and even our family dynamics. our boundaries may change over the years as we mature grow and our perspectives shift.